Phone Etiquette

1. Walking in General.

Are we really still doing this? I watched a mother cross a street, pushing her baby in a stroller and texting. There was no walk sign, but there were cars honking... she was completely unaware. 

2. Texting at the Top of the Subway Stairs.

Unless you're texting, "Help, I'm being forced onto the subway by a mass murderer and have to pretend to be just an annoying person texting - send help," then please step aside and do your business elsewhere. 

3. Losing Your Ability to Walk in a Straight Line/ AKA "The Zombie"

I will push you so hard.

4. Taking Photos of Yourself.

We see you.

5. Taking Pictures of Others.

We see you.

6. Texting While Riding a Bike.

You deserve to be clipped by a car door then eaten by anything feral. 

7. Playing Candy Crush on the Subway.

It's a terrible game, so stop it.

8. Stopping Abruptly While Walking.

Did you just realize the little blue dot on your map, (you) is walking in the wrong direction? Unless this is your very first day learning to walk, you know how to do it. Step aside and change directions. 

9. Slow Motion Realization.

Ammm Iiii iiinnn yyooouuuur waaaaay? Hhooolllddd ooonn, leeeeeet mmmeee hhhiiittt sssseeennnddd, thhhhheeen Iiiii caaaaaan mooooovvveee...

10. Everything That You're Doing is Wrong.

Open Offices

Even noise canceling headphones can't block out the devastation that follows hearing a coworker wax poetic about the third act of Wolf of Wallstreet. It doesn't matter if you haven't seen it yet. It's ruined.

Elevator Speech

#1 - Coworkers badmouthing other coworkers.
You're an idiot. Other people can hear you.

#2 - Coworkers whisper-badmouthing other coworkers.
You're an idiot. Other people can still hear you.

#3 - People who whisper-read the news on the TV screen.
We can all read.

#4 - People who can't look up from their phone in time to get out at the correct floor.

#5 - People who are standing right at the door trying to get on as you're trying to exit.
This is not your own private elevator.

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Shouldn't it be Alvin the Chipmunk and the Chipmunks?

Train Etiquette

#1 - People who stand in front of the door when you're trying to enter.
You're getting out at the next stop? That's great, me too. Can I get on the train and come with you?

#2 - People who stand in front of the door when you're trying to exit. 
You're not getting out at the next stop? That's great, I am! Can you let me get out so I don't have to take this one extra stop because you're being a blowhard? 

#3 - People who stand in front of the door on the platform when you're trying to exit.
You want to get on the train? The way this works is, you move out of the way and let me out and then I let you on. But if you'd like to remain, then you're getting a very angry shoulder in your shoulder.

#4 - People who stand up before their stop on a crowded train, thus causing you to either:

• Let go of the pole and lose your balance all so they can be prepared to get out at Union Square, not to mention the fact that the entire train is about to exit at Union Square because it's fucking Union Square.
• Force you to be that person that pretends not to see you gathering your bags.
• Have you back up anyway and inconvenience the people standing beside/behind you causing you to be the blowhard.

#5 - Strollers.
That's all, just strollers.

#6 - People who don't hold on.
You need two hands for Candy Crush? You can go to hell.

#7 - Bags.
Pull them in or take them off. I will murder you.

#8 - Stray Hands.
It's crowded on the train? I get it. You want to pretend you don't feel your hand on my ass? I will murder you.

#9 - Morning Commuters.

• Coffee slurpers.
• Over-cologners.
• Un-brushed teeth - you're disgusting. 
• Newspaper readers.
• FINANCIAL newspaper readers.
• Briefcase hitters. 
• Teenagers of any kind.

#10 - Afternoon/Evening Commuters.

• Teenagers of any kind.
• Groups of teenagers of any kind.
• Post-Happy Hour patrons. 
• Girls with friends.
• Bros with friends.

#11 - Performers.

#12 - People who raise money definitely not for crack cocaine because they said it wasn't for crack cocaine.

#13 - Preachers.

Especially the Jamaican preacher, because fuck that guy.

#14 - Girls.

You want to judge my outfit? You know I can see you, right?

#15 - Guys.

No woman, single or otherwise, is interested in a romance on their way from Point A to Point B.

#16 - Smells.

Of any kind.