Train Etiquette

#1 - People who stand in front of the door when you're trying to enter.
You're getting out at the next stop? That's great, me too. Can I get on the train and come with you?

#2 - People who stand in front of the door when you're trying to exit. 
You're not getting out at the next stop? That's great, I am! Can you let me get out so I don't have to take this one extra stop because you're being a blowhard? 

#3 - People who stand in front of the door on the platform when you're trying to exit.
You want to get on the train? The way this works is, you move out of the way and let me out and then I let you on. But if you'd like to remain, then you're getting a very angry shoulder in your shoulder.

#4 - People who stand up before their stop on a crowded train, thus causing you to either:

• Let go of the pole and lose your balance all so they can be prepared to get out at Union Square, not to mention the fact that the entire train is about to exit at Union Square because it's fucking Union Square.
• Force you to be that person that pretends not to see you gathering your bags.
• Have you back up anyway and inconvenience the people standing beside/behind you causing you to be the blowhard.

#5 - Strollers.
That's all, just strollers.

#6 - People who don't hold on.
You need two hands for Candy Crush? You can go to hell.

#7 - Bags.
Pull them in or take them off. I will murder you.

#8 - Stray Hands.
It's crowded on the train? I get it. You want to pretend you don't feel your hand on my ass? I will murder you.

#9 - Morning Commuters.

• Coffee slurpers.
• Over-cologners.
• Un-brushed teeth - you're disgusting. 
• Newspaper readers.
• FINANCIAL newspaper readers.
• Briefcase hitters. 
• Teenagers of any kind.

#10 - Afternoon/Evening Commuters.

• Teenagers of any kind.
• Groups of teenagers of any kind.
• Post-Happy Hour patrons. 
• Girls with friends.
• Bros with friends.

#11 - Performers.

#12 - People who raise money definitely not for crack cocaine because they said it wasn't for crack cocaine.

#13 - Preachers.

Especially the Jamaican preacher, because fuck that guy.

#14 - Girls.

You want to judge my outfit? You know I can see you, right?

#15 - Guys.

No woman, single or otherwise, is interested in a romance on their way from Point A to Point B.

#16 - Smells.

Of any kind.